The Grateful Alive
*Not the rock band
Reflection.
It’s not something I am even slightly attuned to. Moreover, it’s maybe even something I am afraid of.
But we all are to some degree. It’s so easy to spend life on autopilot. Sleep, eat, repeat. Sleep, eat, repeat.
Yet for some of us (I am looking in the mirror) this notion can be dangerous and lead to a life where one is able to ignore their physical and emotional needs.
Wait — I thought this was supposed to be a cooking newsletter?
Well, folks, I did not receive a minor in philosophy for just anything.
It is actually my fondness for cooking and baking that forms my bases of reflection.
Prior to pursuing my passions, I spent so much time working toward a goal for someone else. I was lacking something. I needed to create, touch, and move things with my hands.
I found no joy in standing all day staring at a computer. Yet I did it. I did it well. I became robotic on the quest for fulfillment. Fulfillment of society’s traditional means toward success (i.e. capitalistic gains) and fulfillment of my personal understanding of what it meant to work hard.
Yet I was confused. I had jumped straight from university into a full-time job. I spent my last months at uni working two jobs to get by — with very little free time. On top of it all, I moved across the country with my love while barely having a moment to say goodbye to life in a city with friends I love (and miss dearly) and a city I do too.
I thought if I kept working I wouldn’t have to reflect on the reality of my circumstances. They weren’t good or bad. I just needed to decompress.
I can see it so clearly now.
So I spent months working and working and working with the aim of impressing my parents, my friends, and myself.
Somewhere along the way, I even had a crazy adventure in Europe. I can’t remember much of it now because the bulk was spent working.
When I came back I started working even more to disguise my loneliness. I was far, far away from family, friends, and my beloved cats.
I worked and I worked and I worked. Yet, I lost, and I lost, and I lost. I lost myself, my happiness, and my well-being.
But I worked until I couldn’t hide it any longer. Until my body showed signs of pain. I became so skinny. I became so skinny I nearly died.
…
But I am healthy now. I left that life behind for something that brings me such joy and a little sense of peace.
While my brain spent a long time in the fog, I am remembering now. I am remembering what it is like to feel okay. To get through a day without being in excruciating pain. What it is like to live a normal, happy, and peaceful life.
It scares me to the core. It feels as if I am doing something very wrong. But I have to. For myself. For my dreams and my goals.
…
I am now faced with the task of finally reflecting on all that’s happened, and the joy that is to come.
In complete honesty, I am so grateful. I am so grateful for it all. I am grateful for crazy adventures with those I love and grateful for the even crazier ones to come (SOON!).
Put succinctly, I am most grateful to be alive.
It’s all I can ask for at the end of the day (other than another cup of coffee).
All jokes aside, I am incredibly joyous to be here writing this. It is raw and still stings a bit, but it is endearing. I wish to live my life with brute honesty and wouldn’t want to hide anything.
On that note —let’s brighten things up a bit! Here are some highlights of the week’s past.
To sum it up, I had a slam-packed week full of sunshine, picnics, and an (unsuccessful) quest for a raw dairy share. Oh, and I also milked a cow.
…
Before I go, I must sincerely thank my wonderful mother for sticking with me through it all. I never say it enough, but thank you for being my number one supporter and for encouraging me to be my best every day (not to mention the crazy adventures you take me on). I am grateful for all that you do (and it is SO much).
That’s all for now.
Go, eat some cake. Y’all deserve it.
Ciao,
Lil <3